Jeff and I were talking on the drive to the ocean this weekend that we are both really enjoying family life right now. Part of it is because he's been home a great deal more lately, even during the week, as we've been working so hard to prep the house to sell it. It's been great for family morale. But part of it I think, too, is that we're maturing into a new life season as a family, somewhere we've never been before, and we're all eager to embrace it. We're somehow more connected than we've ever been, and it's almost like it took us by surprise as we just lived life day to day - painting the house, pulling weeds, changing diapers. The boys are becoming older boys, "big" boys really, and we've got a brand new little girl just to mix it up a little and melt all our hearts when it gets too nuts around here. Crazy! I mean, Mac was driving a go-cart down at the ocean by himself this weekend... By himself! I almost cried but ended up laughing instead as he came into the last lap way too fast, didn't know how to hit the brake in time to stop, and rammed Jeff (and the whole bunch in front of him) hard on from behind. Classic. Guess he's not totally a big boy just yet. We've spent tons of time together recently, playing games, making up fake accents around the dinner table, and just talking about "nothing" sometimes. (I couldn't help but think the other day that all these evenings we spend talking about "nothing" are really a sort of rehearsal for more serious conversations to come. How could we possibly expect that they could talk to us about drugs or girls or peer pressure when we wouldn't be willing to talk about Sponge Bob or Star Wars or kickball at recess?) Such a rich time for us, which is SO nice. We feel more connected than ever with the kids (they're blooming nicely), and I absolutely cherish each time I feel them reach out to connect in whatever way they can.
I was nursing recently and reached out to quietly touch one of Ella's small fingers, trying to memorize those little hands to recall later when she's so much bigger and her hands and feet are on-the-go and occupied with little girl toys or much later with big girl stories and chatting. (Seems like just yesterday it was the boys' baby fingers I was holding...) As lightly as I touched her, she quickly and instinctively snatched at my pinky, curled her little chubby fingers tightly around mine, then smoothly pulled my hand to her chest as if to capture me and keep me for good - busily nursing the whole while, of course. Dang. How I love those moments! It reminded me almost immediately of times when the boys recently have in a similar way snatched my hand to hold as we're walking into a store or church or just down the street. It's usually only for 30 seconds or less nowadays; they don't linger as long as the baby does, at least not anymore. They used to, but they're older now, so it catches my breath when those fleeting moments hit, and I think, "Stay in the moment. Stay awake yet calm. Enjoy that little embrace. You won't have it forever." In some ways those physical connections are becoming fewer and far between as they get bigger, but like anything, there's ebb and flow. Connection changes. Mac had a tough year at school, and it was punctuated by his pulling in toward us and away from us, as his moods hit him. Fortunately, he finished well and seems happier now than ever. I'm seeing a smile on his face that I haven't seen in quite a while - true, pure, delighted - even at age 8 when he can also be so intense and busy with things. Ice is still deciding whether he's growing out of the preschool years, if he's truly the real deal on the way to boyhood or if he should stay in mom's arms a little longer. He needs to grow some still, stretch out and find his place as our family has grown, too; I think he's finally realizing that even though he's not the baby anymore, he's still equally as important and has a lot of his own uniqueness to give as he reaches out toward others. Like we told him, "You're the only one who gets to be the older brother and the younger brother at the same time. That's pretty special." He pulled me into his room the other day to "ask me question," which I was prepared to have be a serious one from the tone of his voice. He climbs up on his bed, points to a specific pattern in the stucco on his wall, and said, "Doesn't this look like a fox, Mom?" Which started us looking for all kinds of things all over his wall. I sat there for quite a while, wondering to myself if there was some other question, or if our Fantastic Mr. Fox was the only one. Turns out he was.
I'll take an embrace whenever they want to reach out for it, by hand holding, by talking together, or by stucco wall picture, and I want to be un-busy enough to notice those times. I'm also not so thick as to believe the embrace is meant to be constant; that's the nature of human individuality and the separate "other,".There's no other way. Part of being a parent, and particularly a mom, is letting your child go, helping them "go," as each day they grow older so they can leave and learn to return to you at times, too. It's like the tides - in and out, toward and away from. And I remind myself - "Wait for it. And savor it when you're blessed enough to receive." Right now, we're in a period of more connection rather than less, so I get to savor more often than not. Thank you, Lord. They're good kids. Interesting how life changes.
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